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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Questions that may have no answers

So Annette came and our conversation centered around Akul. I enjoyed being with her. I felt she wanted to talk about Akul and was not bored or weary. I have not blogged about what happened to Akul because we do not know to date what went wrong. When Akul was born he was a small baby, he had a low platelett count and low blood sugar. However, he was very active. Annette was there and she helped him take his first breath. We heard a normal baby cry and we all heaved a sigh of relief. Akul was here to stay. My OB came and told me that I would take my baby home as soon as he put on some weight. His APGAR scores went from a 5 (1 minute after birth) to a 9 (10 minutes after birth.) His beautiful eyes were wide open and he looked at me when the nurse got him near me. He was so beautiful and even in my semi drugged state, I fell in love. He was transported later that day for blood platelets and the next day we were told he had a brain bleed. He was taken off all life support and brought back to us. When I saw him again, he was very different from the baby I had sent to "Children's." He did not open his eyes, though he would protest if I handled him a little. I had already lost my child. We are still searching for answers which we will probably never get. I was tested for blood disorders and all tests came out negative. We had an autopsy done on Akul and got no answers. He had no genetic defects, no infection - nothing at all. He was almost 36 weeks gestational age when he was born so that rules out very premature birth complications. No one has any answers for us and that really bothers my husband. It is almost like he needs to know this to preserve his sanity. So, apart from our grief that is what we are struggling with. This blog of mine is probably very different from my other blogs. Perhaps because today I am blogging for my husband. This is what he thinks about day and night. I hope some day we will have some kind of an answer that will bring him peace.


  1. It is so helpful to be able to share my story over and over. Even if I don't know all the details. I hope it helps in your healing too.

  2. I came upon your blog a few days ago and your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss. This post especially affected me..it's so hard not to have an answer..some form of closure.... Earlier today I chanced upon an article and the conditions described had such a strong resemblance to your story that I thought I should send it to you. I feel a tbit silly because I know from your blog above that you've had all manner of tests performed and this has probably been ruled out, but what if....