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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Touched by an Angel

"A life is not measured by the number of days, months or years that it is lived, but by the effect that life has on other people who touch it.It is not measured by the length of its days or the height of its achievements, but by the breadth of its influence."

I read this on another angel baby mom's website. I reflected. If I measure the length of Akul's life on the basis of this, my beautiful Akul has definitely lived a very very long life in the eight month he spent in my womb and the three days he spent in our arms. Before I had Akul, I did not know what the love of a child was - The love of a child who is silently growing in a mother's womb. During pregnancy, I could feel his butterfly kisses purify my insides. His soft fluttering kicks made me bloom with joy. I was radiant with love and my eyes softly mirrored my motherhood. I loved having Akul with me. He changed me completely. I was totally oblivious to the outside world. It was as if everything lost its importance and he became the focus of my life. I ate oranges because he liked them, I had frozen vanilla flavored yoghurt because that is what Akul wanted, I listened to the kind of music that made him kick in joy, and I fought with Sunil because he did not talk to his son enough. I argued that Akul would not recognise his voice when he came out of my womb. We planned Akul's entire life and fought over everything. Sunil said he wanted Akul to be a doctor and I said that my son would have the freedom to decide what he wanted to be. Sunil and I went for morning walks and we argued all the way home. I used to tell my husband that his son is going to be his carbon copy - stubborn and bull headed just like him. I warned him that the two of them would get into big fights. Sunil always asked whose side I would take if that happened and I would say that I will walk out and let the two of them handle their disagreements. So before we even had Akul, we were playing make believe and pretending he was here with us, that he was a baby and we were teaching him things and then he was a teen and was getting into big fights with dad....and Sunil always said "you will make him a mama's boy."

Then, on February 13 this year, Akul came into my arms. I looked at his beautiful round eyes and finely boned face in awe. He was so beautiful and so perfect. I started believeing in miracles. I could not even imagine something so amazing being formed within me. I became a mom. I saw my husband go crazy with joy. He just stood there and called just about anyone and proudly told the world about his gorgeous son. Akul made us so proud and ecstatically happy.

And on February 13th he was put into my arms again. Just taken off life support he did not have much life left in him. I held my life close to my heart. I could not believe my own strength - both physical and mental. How can a woman who has had surgery a day before hold a baby all day and all night? How can a mother live after her baby passes away in her own arms? I did both. I guess I am very very strong and this strength of mine is my cross to bear during this life time. I am strong so I live - hopeless but functioning.

After Akul I have changed in subtle ways. My heart is softer and my words kinder. Nothing is important enough to warrant my attention for a prolonged period of time and I value every child. I feel each child is such a miracle. I remember many months ago, when I was pregnant with Akul, I had asked my students what was the most dangerous thing they had ever done. My Japanese student told me the most dangerous thing he had ever done was to be born. I laughed as did the rest of the class. Akul's life and death have taught me that that is indeed the most dangerous thing a fragile little child can ever do. So I value all babies. Also, as we journey this childless road, my husband and I have become more spiritual and have made God an important part of our lives.

Akul has changed the two people who love him unconditionally. Even though he spent such little time with us, his life has impacted us like no other. He has put himself in a place where he will never be punished or reprimanded by his parents. Our parenting will only be one of loving him and weeping for him every day of our lives.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Christy, at "almost a mother" and Kristy at "I love you to the moon and back", nominated me for an award! It is the Friendship Award! Thank you for thinking of me!

Ok, so here are the rules:

"This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I want to pick each and every baby lost mom but I cannot. Some of you have already been given this award and I know eventually you will all get it because you are the best support group anyone could wish for. The six people I pick for this award are:

Mirne @ http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/2009/09/raw-pain.html
Beth @ http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/2009/09/biltmore.html
Ezra's mom @ http://ezramalik.blogspot.com/2009/09/22-weeks-6-days-staying-present-in-joy.html
bir @ http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com/2009/09/candles-for-jet.html
Malory @ http://mommyofanangel09.blogspot.com/2009/09/mothers-love-does-not-forget.html
Karen @ http://busyhandsbc.blogspot.com/

I know that Mirne is taking a break from the world of blogs. I also see that her blog is not accessible any more. But I still want to give her this friendship award. When I fist started blogging I was a confused broken dead baby mom. Mirne always commented on all my posts and supported me. Her not being in the world of blogs does not change that, so she is included in this friendship award. Bree, I did think about you but you got the award from Nan.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Seven Months Old Today

I just read that:

"Your 7-month-old baby grasps by cupping his entire hand around an object.
He is beginning to use his thumb to push things into his hand.
When lying on his tummy, he creeps forward.
He can support his weight and stand if he holds onto furniture.
He recognizes voices and his name and tells tunes apart.
He prefers to look at complex objects and changes position to seek a better view."

Akul would have been 7 months old today. He would have been doing all this. I would have been the lucky witness to all his beautiful milestones. I would have shed so many happy tears and smiled countless smiles.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

How was your weekend?

So I came in to work this morning and was asked the usual question,"How was your weekend?"
If you want to hear the real answer, pull up a chair and sit down. I will tell you all about my sad, dreary weekend. I will tell you how I sat amidst a pile of laundry, papers, mail, and books because I had no desire to get up and clean. I will also tell you how I spent the entire long weekend doing nothing but reading blogs, writing comments and crying. You will know how conversations in our house never take place because we are just not interested in talking about anything. You will also know that when people lose babies nothing is fun. My life is not and will never be fun. If you need fun, go elsewhere. And please do not ask me about my weekend because you know that you do not want to be burdened with my answer.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Thinking about Mirne, Craig and Jet

Mirne at http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com just announced that her son Jet is now her third angel child. I am so shocked, saddened and shaken by this news. I do not know Mirne and Craig, and yet I do. I have never met them or talked to them but I feel so connected to them. Please pray for Craig and Mirne so they have the strength to endure this pain. Please pray for baby Jet. Craig and Mirne, your three angels will always live in my heart.