Tomorrow Akul's NICU nurse and godmother, Annette, is coming to see us. I am really happy I will get to see her because in some strange way she is an "Akul" connection. When I called her the other day she told me that many times she looks at a new born and remembers Akul. I cried when she told me that. I was so happy to hear someone remembers my child other than my husband and myself. I know tomorrow we will talk a lot about Akul. I do not usually talk to people about my loss or the pain I am going through because everyone has their own agenda and I really have nothing new to say about my child. But I have not seen Annette since Akul's services, so it may be a little different. I baked a strawberry flavored cake for tomorrow and when I got the cake out of the oven, I cried. This was my mother's favorite cake. I lost my mother three years ago and mourned for her till I was pregnant with Akul. Then the joy of having Akul took over my life and everything else faded away. Now I miss my mother and Akul. I wish my mother were here. She always knew how to soothe me and make things better.
Actually a few weeks after we lost Akul I dreamt that I was holding Akul in my arms. He was old enough to crawl and wanted to get away from me. I looked at him and said "say mama." He just gurgled and finally said grandma ("naanima" in hindi). I called out to my mom (who was not to be seen but I heard her voice) and said "look at him. He said "grandma" before saying "mom" or "dad." My mother just laughed. Meanwhile Akul managed to slip ou of my arms and crawled away. I woke up with a start. Akul was definitely not in my arms. He had flown away. Perhaps he is with his grandma. But I wish he was with me. I miss him so much.
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I too yearned for my mother when my son died. She is still living but is in the terminal stages of MS and is basically just a living, breathing shell of a woman. If there was a time most in my life that I needed her, it was at that moment. Perhaps your dream was a sign that Akul is with your beloved mother and that she is taking care of him in heaven. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things about this post I can relate to.
ReplyDeleteI have a really hard time being around people other than my husband and other lost baby moms.
And I too mourned my father until I became pregnant with Ella. Boy, I didn't think the pain could get worse than when you lose a parent. Was I wrong.