A few days after Akul passed away, I penned the following:
We waited for you
mom and dad
weaving dreams
“Whatcha doing?”
asked dad
every day
as he ran
down the stairs
“kick” “kick”
you replied
vanilla ice-cream
oranges
cold strawberry milk
you showed mom
foods you liked
Then you came
Friday, the 13th
roses and cream
a 3lb 3oz miracle
your cry rang out
My Beautiful Baby!!!!
I saw you next
in an incubator
I called “Akul”
You turned, looked at me
Your eyes said, ”Mom! my Mom”
then off you went
N I C U
I smiled
my baby will be back
with more blood, more platelets
stable blood sugar
I’ll wait, I’m patient
God is merciful
I waited….we waited
Next day
suddenly
my heart skipped a beat
“My baby” it cried
I called your dad
Dad would not
pick up his phone
“he’ll be fine”
I told myself
But my heart beat hard
Dad came
with empty eyes
defeated, he held my hand
“We have to let him go”
numbed, I stared
“go where?”
“go away” – “NO” - my heart wept
“not my baby…….he’s mine”
We were asked
“you want to go to him or
should he come to you?”
My little baby, you came to me
They took off
the ventilator, the tubes and all
swaddled
you came into
my scared uncertain arms
my miracle – my love – my life
I looked at you …my metamorphosis
I became “Akul’s mama”
held you close
sang all the songs I had saved for you
cradled you, talked to you
I love you so….it hurts
my beautiful prefect baby
We could hold you, they said
for hours – maybe 6 maybe 8
but you my valiant warrior
stayed 36 more hours in our arms
skin to skin with mom
heart to heart with dad
Your tiny little body nestled in mom’s bosom
your beautiful artistic fingers
curled around dad’s
your perfectly chiseled face
framed by a blue cap
Our life! Our joy!
we poured love on you
2 nights and a day
in our arms
then Monday morning
cradled against me
you left
leaving us
our empty hearts
empty lives
empty nest
and your
empty cradle
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you bring a smile on my face and many a tear in my eyes. I can understand how you feel, but not feel the way you do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and a picture which i had not seen. He is a beautiful baby belonging to beautiful parents. He will be cherished just the way i cherish you in my life.
ReplyDeleteI wish you never had to write this, but it is beautiful. I wish I could write poetry.
ReplyDeleteakul,
ReplyDeleteI wish that you could be a part of our lives today, to get to know your beautiful parents, your family...You are surrounded by LOVE and Angels.We all miss you.
I hear you, I understand.. I'm sorry that you lost your beautiful boy too.
ReplyDeleteThis is very powerful. Thanks for writing it
Jane
Beautifully written for a beautiful baby boy x
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautifully written. So sparse yet so full of love and tenderness for your little boy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that he felt the love that you poured on to him during that time. I am so terribly sorry.