AKUL

I just started blogging today and it seems like I cannot stop. I do not feel like doing anything but pouring five months of my thoughts on these blog pages. There is so much to say because we have lost so much. When we lost Akul, we lost not just our baby, but also our dreams and with him we feel we have cremated our future. Many of my loved ones told me about others who were having problems in their lives, but somehow, to me nothing can compare to losing a child - a child I had nurtured, loved held and cuddled. I remember my three days in the hospital, the absolute numbness I felt when I was told that Akul will be removed from life support, my fear of holding my tiny baby and my desperation to find one clue that would warrant putting him back on life support. I remember all the wonderful things my husband, Sunil, did. He asked that Akul be brought to us so he could spend the few hours he had with us. I remember his telling me that our baby is starving. I pumped milk that night andf we fed Akul with a dropper. I remember walking out with him and Akul into the "Healing Garden" situated in the center of the hospital, where for the first and last time he showed Akul trees, flowers, a stream of water and birds. I can not thank my husband enough for giving me those moments with my child. I was so numb and so stricken that I would have never thought of all this on my own.

Akul spent those last hours cuddled against me or skin on skin with me or my husband. For days after that we could feel his warmth against our chests. I sang him many songs and children's rhymes that I had written just for him. My husband wiped and cleaned him and wet his lips with glucose water. He used a balm on Akul's very dry lips. We desperately tried to squeeze a whole life time into those 36 hours. We cried many tears as we begged Akul to end his suffering and let go of life. How can one ask for something one dreads? I learnt that one can. Finally, on February 16th, cuddled against me, my son started to change color. I called out to my husband. He looked at Akul and then at me and said, "Our son is dying."

Today Akul would have been five months old. I can see all his 3-6 month old outfits in his closet and can imagine him in each one of them. He was a perfectly formed baby. His limbs, eyes, nose - all so beautiful. He looks so much like his dad. If you take a picture of Akul's and place it next to one of a younger Sunil, you will see how alike they look.