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Sunday, April 4, 2010

babies babies everywhere...but not a single one for me

There has been a baby epidemic around me. Everyone is having them. Even people who do not want them are having them. Even people who do not need them are having them. Even people who cannot afford them are having them. The sick, the tired, the old - all are having babies...but I am not. I have not felt like this ever before. I have not felt this anger and sadness that wrenches the heart just because someone else is having a baby. I hate myself for feeling what I feel. I know I should be happy for them all, and I have even tried to deny these feelings of anger and sadness. But I know they are there.

Iwas so overwhelmed with the blog world that I took a break from it and then the babies followed me into real life. There are pregnant people all around me. I discuss someone's pregnancy or the birth of someone's baby each day ...and I think of Akul all the time. I see little kids and wonder if Akul would be doing what they are doing at this time. You know he would have been a year old. You know he would be walking, running and driving me crazy by now. You know if I had not experienced this loss, I would be like any other mom complaining about how my child takes up all my time but actually living a life. Now I sit here and complain about other people having kids...and I live an incomplete life.