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Monday, August 31, 2009

The Dead and the Living

My husband is putting in new flooring in one of our bedrooms. He got the carpet out and is putting laminate. This last saturday, we got all the furniture out of the room and my job was to sort through the drawers and throw out what we did not need any more. I found many audio tapes that belonged to my mother. She loved music. She would pop her audio tape into her cassette player early in the morning and listen to religious music. Later in the afternoon she would play semi classical songs in hindi and at times folk music. She had touched all those tapes. I also found diabetic magazines she used to read and her glucose tablets (she was diabetic). I found old pictures in which I was a seven year old and my world was complete. I had my grand father, my parents and my siblings (my brother and my sister) around me. How I yearn for the innocence of yesteryears!!! Also, I found an audio tape that had my dad's writing. He had titled it in pen.
One huge dresser drawer is full of Akul's things. I found some stuffed toys, a teething ring, a baby tape player, and a soft toy that squeaked. I even found a light green hospital bracelet that Akul wore during his short stay at the hospital. I picked it up, held it against my nose to see if I could smell my son. I could not. I held the bracelet against my heart for a few minutes and then defeatedly put it away in his memory box.
It hit me once again that today I know - I mean really really know and love(crazily) more people who are dead than people who are alive. My world has crumbled.

11 comments:

  1. The reality sucks, but the memories must be so beautiful. You and I share something in common (besides loss). We share the number 14...

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  2. consider that you have more people to welcome you when it is your time to go, people that you already know and love. I know I recall crying with my mother that Vayden has no family up there except the early pregnancy my mother loss in which we never knew the sex. A great great grandmother, but no one else that I knew and loved. I felt bad that he was all alone. She then reminded me that all the mommy friends of angel's i'm made and will make, their angels will be friends with Vayden and look after him.
    Yet still you should see it as a huge family waiting for you to join them in everlasting happiness.

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  3. Pray for comfort to warm you over. ((HUGS))

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  4. We do get a twisted view of the world after babyloss. Everything gets turned on its head.
    I'm so sorry Akul's Mama.
    xo

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  5. I'm so sorry. Moments like these intensify the sorrow, don't they? (((hugs)))

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  6. "I mean really really know and love(crazily) more people who are dead than people who are alive." Wow this is striking. (((hugs)))

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  7. I am so sorry. I can't imagine how that feels. Big Hugs to you!

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  8. I feel so much closer to Ezra and all our babies than I do to so many of the babies and children I know in real life. Sending love.

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  9. I wish I could bring back that innocence for you.
    I have always found it disconcerting how little things can bring memories flooding back. Like seeing your dad's handwriting on that cassette tape, so evocative.
    Love to you, remembering sweet Akul xo

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    Hugs

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