Today I have been thinking about Akul's last night with us. That was the last time I pumped some milk for him. He could not suckle, so the NICU nurse Pam told me to feed him with a dropper. He took in a few drops which satisfied me. Then he lay skin on skin with me, sleeping peacefully. Akul did not cry at all once his life support was removed. He did not open his eyes either. AT about 4 am I needed to go to the bathroom. I called out to my husband, Sunil, and asked him to hold Akul while I went to the bathroom. Sunil took our little son and held him against his chest. A minute later, I heard Akul cry. I could not believe it. He cried loud and clear. Sunil called out to me and asked me to ring for the nurse. We were not used to our baby crying. By the time I came out of the bathroom, Akul was quiet. He was nuzzled against his dad and looked peaceful again. The nurse came in a few minutes later and checked him. She wrapped him up, and handed him to my husband. At about 7:30am my husband gave Akul back to me. He said, " Akul wants you. He wants to be with you." I held my baby close to me. After a few minutes Akul changed color and then nuzzled against me, cuddled in my arms, he breathed his last breath. I held his lifeless body in my arms for hours afterwards.. Praying for some miracle.
Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom if a c section hurts, because I felt no physical hurt. Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom if she is able to get up and walk after a c section...I did not even know I was walking because right before that I was told my baby was going to die. Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom how she stood for hours during her child's services...
A dead baby's mom is numb. She has put her heart to rest in a tiny satin lined coffin, her dreams are in the small urn that sits in her closet, and the only fingers that clasp hers are mere imprints on a white paper.
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I too got asked about my pain (natural birth) and how I did it and how I coped in those first days, and at the funeral. Pfft. Physical hurt is nothing on the hurt that we feel in our hearts. All the painkillers in the world wont take that pain away.
ReplyDeleteI too held my son as he took his last breath and left to fly away. There is no other pain, no other agony, than to hold your child as they die. I would have given my life a thousand times if only he could have lived...your post brought tears to my eyes because it brought me back to that day in the ICU when we had to say good-bye. It is almost like being in your own version of hell to live without your child, I feel like complete happiness in my life is no longer attainable and sometimes I wish I too were dead. Hugging you
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I held our son together. He lay on my husband's bare chest after the machines were turned off. We watched him and held him when he stopped breathing and when his heart stopped. And I prayed, I prayed so much, and I believed that God would answer our prayers. I believed that he would live. I believed that God would work a miracle. I believed until that last second. Until that last breath. Until that last beat of his heart. And then I stopped believing.
ReplyDeleteAnd the pain ... it's never gone away. I'm crying as I write this now. The pain never goes away.
Never. Never. Never.
What I wouldn't give for physical pain instead of this gut wrenching heartache.
ReplyDeleteYou have my love and support. Akul is a beautiful boy, I'm so very sorry he's not at home with you.
I'm so sorry that beautiful Akul is not here with you or Sunil. My heart is so heavy for you. Sending you much peace and love.
ReplyDeleteHi -
ReplyDeleteWanted to let you know I moved my blog to butterflybaby15.blogspot.com. I had too many people from my real life reading and it was coming back to bite me in the butt. I'm not going to tomorrow's meeting. My mom is going to be here, plus I'm just too depressed. I'd still like to send you Akul's butterfly so you don't have to wait a whole month for it. Email me your address.
Hugs, Bree
So true. All the physical pain in the world is nothing compared to this reality.
ReplyDelete