The Dead and the Living

My husband is putting in new flooring in one of our bedrooms. He got the carpet out and is putting laminate. This last saturday, we got all the furniture out of the room and my job was to sort through the drawers and throw out what we did not need any more. I found many audio tapes that belonged to my mother. She loved music. She would pop her audio tape into her cassette player early in the morning and listen to religious music. Later in the afternoon she would play semi classical songs in hindi and at times folk music. She had touched all those tapes. I also found diabetic magazines she used to read and her glucose tablets (she was diabetic). I found old pictures in which I was a seven year old and my world was complete. I had my grand father, my parents and my siblings (my brother and my sister) around me. How I yearn for the innocence of yesteryears!!! Also, I found an audio tape that had my dad's writing. He had titled it in pen.
One huge dresser drawer is full of Akul's things. I found some stuffed toys, a teething ring, a baby tape player, and a soft toy that squeaked. I even found a light green hospital bracelet that Akul wore during his short stay at the hospital. I picked it up, held it against my nose to see if I could smell my son. I could not. I held the bracelet against my heart for a few minutes and then defeatedly put it away in his memory box.
It hit me once again that today I know - I mean really really know and love(crazily) more people who are dead than people who are alive. My world has crumbled.

Ezra

Ezra, Sarah's precious little angel baby (http://ezramalik.blogspot.com) was born into his mother's arms on August 29 last year. To honor Ezra on this day, I have added another slide "EZRA" to the presentation in the side panel which is titled "Akul's Fairy Land." I think all our children are probably in the same land and since they are our babies, I prefer to see them in the land of fairies where everything is perfect. I know how hard this day must be for Ezra's mom. Sarah, I am thinking of you and Ezra. I really wish Ezra was here today, in your arms, cutting his first birthday cake.

I have also added names of Ella (Bree's angel baby) and Tracy's treasures to "Akul's Fairy Land." Tracy, my wonderful colleague and dear friend, had two miscarriages before her beautiful daughter was born. Every time I see Akul's fairy land, Tracy, your babies are in my thoughts. I really hope they communicate with Akul in that fairy land just as their sister communicated with Akul when both our kids were in our wombs.

HONEST SCRAP AWARD

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Mirne, at http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/ and by Shanti mama at http://shantimama.blogspot.com/ Thank you Mirne and Shantimama for following my story, supporting me and almost never failing to comment on my posts. Mirne, you and Craig have been in my thoughts all day today. It is Friday in this part of the world and I know that this is your important day. All I can do is pray and I have prayed for your happiness and the wellbeing of "rainbow" so many times today.

According to the blog posts of these two very amazing women, "This award is for bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul." My thoughts are ..we are lost baby moms. The ink we use is our tears, the words we write are agonizing cries of our broken hearts. I know each one of us will be awarded this award because we all cannot help but write from the depths of our souls. Our sorrow has permeated every particle of our being.

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:

Bree - http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com
Sally -http://tuesdayshope.blogspot.com/
Ezra's mom - http://ezramalik.blogspot.com
Sophie & Aiden's mom - http://almostamother.blogspot.com/
Jane - http://letterstonoah.blogspot.com
Tina - http://livingwithoutsophiaandellie.blogspot.com
Kara - http://missingyoualwaysjordan.blogspot.com

10 honest things about me:

1) I have aged so much since I lost Akul..when I look in the mirror I see so much gray in my hair and so much pain in my eyes.

2) Before Akul I was uncertain about having a child but Akul changed me forever.

3) I never wear heels.

4) I find cooking very restful and soothing.

5) When I was about 6-7 years old, I knew I wanted to teach.

6) I hate to clean and find it very hard to throw things away.

7) My husband and I dated "online" for many years before we got married. He lived in India and I in the US so....

8) I can bathe and get dressed in about 10 minutes.

9) Sunlight makes me happy.

10) I have always been a very satisfied person. I don't need a lot to make me happy. If Akul were snuggled against me, I would have been complete.

Back To School

I go back to teaching, my students, colleagues, busy days and tired nights this coming Monday. I dread it. I keep thinking I will not have much time to devote to my blog. The blog has become so important to me. I attend to it every day as I would have attended to my child. It is my connection with Akul. I weave my thoughts about Akul in this blog, and I connect with mom's whose children are friends with my son, Akul. I am known here as Akul's mom and I know Ella's mom Bree, Hope's mom Sally, Ezra's mom ....like I would have known if our children were in kindergarten together. I cannot let go of these connections which have been formed because of Akul. I do not want to lose myself in lesson plans and grading when I can dress Akul's blog. It is really sad that I have become so dependent on this inanimate blog. I have to remind myself that the blog is not Akul. It does not need constant care.

Hope

Hope is Sally's angel baby of the "Tuesday's Hope" blog. So many lost baby moms whose blogs I follow have wished Hope a happy birthday that I cannot help but blog on Hope. It is really hard to live through the first anniversary of the day you gave birth to your angel baby. This day should have been different. This is the day you should be celebrating your child's first birthday like other parents do - with cake and laughter, family and friends and most importantly with your baby in your arms. It should not be a day when you cry your eyes out or go through pictures of your dead child. This is not how it was meant to be.
Hope grew wings and flew away but hope lives on. You can see hope in all the rainbow babies and in the eyes of moms who are still trying for a rainbow baby. Hope is what keeps us going. Happy birthday Hope. I am sure you and Akul are somewhere peaceful and know that your moms support one another.

Six Months Old Today

If Akul were with us, he would have been six months old today. This week we were lucky to have a teacher of vedas (ancient books of knowledge of the self) and transcendental meditation visit us. The first day he was with us, I saw him look at Akul's pictures (which we have put in electronic picture frame), with deep concentration, for long periods of time. Later, I had long talks with him about my sorrow and about how much I miss my son. I told him about the dreams I've had about Akul and what I perceived as visitations from my son. This learned teacher (Acharya in hindi) told me that there are many layers or dimensions of existence. His perception is that Akul came to us from a higher dimension. After being with us for some time he decided that his existence in the other dimension was more blissful, so he returned to it.
I have a choice. I can believe or I can not believe. I choose to believe. I believe that the soul is immortal and it is only the body that dies. I choose to believe that my child is in a better place and that he chose to be in that place because it is more blissful. I choose to belive that this is not the only dimension of existence and that people we love and care about are still around us even if they are in a different dimension. I also believe that some souls can transcend different layers or dimensions, else how will I explain Akul's visits.
Akul is six months old today. I choose to believe that the last six months have been ones of bliss for him and not of sorrow and darkness. I will take a life time of sorrow and darkness in exchange of bliss for my child.

The mom , The dad and The baby who grew wings

In the last year or so, my relationship with my husband Sunil has seen so many ups and downs. During my pregnancy, my husband took extremely good care of me. He cooked every meal I ate after researching the internet to find out what I could eat or not eat for hours, he had an alarm system set up for all my vitamins, he woke me up every morning at 5:30 am and we went for our walk, he sat down on street benches with me when I got tired, he kept a record of my blood sugar levels ( though I di d not have gestational diabetes), he took my blood pressure every morning and most nights (though I didn't have high blood pressure), he went with me for every doctor appointment and he got to know more about my pregnancy than I could ever dream of knowing myself. Yes, he was a very involved dad. The three days Akul was with us he was there crying with me, holding our baby and trying to do little things for Akul that would make his last hours better. I fell head over heels in love with the man who loved his/my/our child so much. The day Akul passed away I felt closer to my husband than I had ever done. He held my hand all night and he even realized my milk was leaking and how I felt when that happened. He held on for about a week and then suddenly he crumbled. He stopped talking, stopped answering the phone, stopped doing everything. He created a big thick wall around himself and only I would be let into it every now and then. I dealt with all the phone calls and visitors. I dealt with my own grief and I worried about him immensely. I was also very lonely. For my own sanity, I went back to work and kept going through the motions of doing things all day long. I sat for endless hours at my laptop planning for my classes, and doing whatever anyone asked me to do at work. This was the time when Sunil really needed to talk about Akul and I did not have the capacity to do so. I was so tired, so drained that I had nothing left in me to give him or even to sit and mourn with him. We started moving apart. My husband felt that I had "moved on", I had forgotten Akul and was back to what I had been before I was pregnant. I, on the other hand, was struggling with my own grief, my husband's deteriorating health and the absolute silence in our house. After seven weeks schools closed for summer break. I remember being paranoid. I asked myself, "how will I live through summer?" "What will I do?" "Where does my life go from here?"

We planned a prayer session in our house a week after summer vacations started. My husband cooked dinner for almost 70 people single handedly. We were doing this with Akul in mind and he wanted everything to be just right for that one reason. That evening, when teh prayer started, I sat on the stairs that lead up to our bedroom and wept. The session went on for almost three hours and I just sat there and wept. My husbnad came and sat next to me and held my hand. He wept with me. We were back to that night in the hospital, the night after Akul passed away. We were heart broken, lost and hopeless. We just held hands and cried....a month later I started blogging.

Sunil, my husband, never writes any comments, but he is an ardent "Aajaa Akul" follower. He reads every blog I write over and over again, and cries more tears reading it than I do writing it. I know through this blog he gets to see Akul through my eyes and gets to spend time with Akul. He gets to know me as I really am - a lost heartbroken tortured mom who has lost everything when she lost Akul. If miraculously I do have another child, he/she will be child #2 because no one can take Akul's place in my heart. The blog helps us communicate at this most difficult time in our relationship.

And Then your tiny heart stopped...and so did mine

Today I have been thinking about Akul's last night with us. That was the last time I pumped some milk for him. He could not suckle, so the NICU nurse Pam told me to feed him with a dropper. He took in a few drops which satisfied me. Then he lay skin on skin with me, sleeping peacefully. Akul did not cry at all once his life support was removed. He did not open his eyes either. AT about 4 am I needed to go to the bathroom. I called out to my husband, Sunil, and asked him to hold Akul while I went to the bathroom. Sunil took our little son and held him against his chest. A minute later, I heard Akul cry. I could not believe it. He cried loud and clear. Sunil called out to me and asked me to ring for the nurse. We were not used to our baby crying. By the time I came out of the bathroom, Akul was quiet. He was nuzzled against his dad and looked peaceful again. The nurse came in a few minutes later and checked him. She wrapped him up, and handed him to my husband. At about 7:30am my husband gave Akul back to me. He said, " Akul wants you. He wants to be with you." I held my baby close to me. After a few minutes Akul changed color and then nuzzled against me, cuddled in my arms, he breathed his last breath. I held his lifeless body in my arms for hours afterwards.. Praying for some miracle.

Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom if a c section hurts, because I felt no physical hurt. Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom if she is able to get up and walk after a c section...I did not even know I was walking because right before that I was told my baby was going to die. Don't ever ask a dead baby's mom how she stood for hours during her child's services...

A dead baby's mom is numb. She has put her heart to rest in a tiny satin lined coffin, her dreams are in the small urn that sits in her closet, and the only fingers that clasp hers are mere imprints on a white paper.