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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Touched by an Angel

"A life is not measured by the number of days, months or years that it is lived, but by the effect that life has on other people who touch it.It is not measured by the length of its days or the height of its achievements, but by the breadth of its influence."

I read this on another angel baby mom's website. I reflected. If I measure the length of Akul's life on the basis of this, my beautiful Akul has definitely lived a very very long life in the eight month he spent in my womb and the three days he spent in our arms. Before I had Akul, I did not know what the love of a child was - The love of a child who is silently growing in a mother's womb. During pregnancy, I could feel his butterfly kisses purify my insides. His soft fluttering kicks made me bloom with joy. I was radiant with love and my eyes softly mirrored my motherhood. I loved having Akul with me. He changed me completely. I was totally oblivious to the outside world. It was as if everything lost its importance and he became the focus of my life. I ate oranges because he liked them, I had frozen vanilla flavored yoghurt because that is what Akul wanted, I listened to the kind of music that made him kick in joy, and I fought with Sunil because he did not talk to his son enough. I argued that Akul would not recognise his voice when he came out of my womb. We planned Akul's entire life and fought over everything. Sunil said he wanted Akul to be a doctor and I said that my son would have the freedom to decide what he wanted to be. Sunil and I went for morning walks and we argued all the way home. I used to tell my husband that his son is going to be his carbon copy - stubborn and bull headed just like him. I warned him that the two of them would get into big fights. Sunil always asked whose side I would take if that happened and I would say that I will walk out and let the two of them handle their disagreements. So before we even had Akul, we were playing make believe and pretending he was here with us, that he was a baby and we were teaching him things and then he was a teen and was getting into big fights with dad....and Sunil always said "you will make him a mama's boy."

Then, on February 13 this year, Akul came into my arms. I looked at his beautiful round eyes and finely boned face in awe. He was so beautiful and so perfect. I started believeing in miracles. I could not even imagine something so amazing being formed within me. I became a mom. I saw my husband go crazy with joy. He just stood there and called just about anyone and proudly told the world about his gorgeous son. Akul made us so proud and ecstatically happy.

And on February 13th he was put into my arms again. Just taken off life support he did not have much life left in him. I held my life close to my heart. I could not believe my own strength - both physical and mental. How can a woman who has had surgery a day before hold a baby all day and all night? How can a mother live after her baby passes away in her own arms? I did both. I guess I am very very strong and this strength of mine is my cross to bear during this life time. I am strong so I live - hopeless but functioning.

After Akul I have changed in subtle ways. My heart is softer and my words kinder. Nothing is important enough to warrant my attention for a prolonged period of time and I value every child. I feel each child is such a miracle. I remember many months ago, when I was pregnant with Akul, I had asked my students what was the most dangerous thing they had ever done. My Japanese student told me the most dangerous thing he had ever done was to be born. I laughed as did the rest of the class. Akul's life and death have taught me that that is indeed the most dangerous thing a fragile little child can ever do. So I value all babies. Also, as we journey this childless road, my husband and I have become more spiritual and have made God an important part of our lives.

Akul has changed the two people who love him unconditionally. Even though he spent such little time with us, his life has impacted us like no other. He has put himself in a place where he will never be punished or reprimanded by his parents. Our parenting will only be one of loving him and weeping for him every day of our lives.


  1. Nimoli,

    All of us are touched by your angel everyday too.


  2. What a beautiful tribute to your Akul. I am sure that he is very proud of his parents.

  3. Your words paint a brilliant picture of your love for Akul. You and Sunil were wonderful parents to him, you gave Akul more love in your three days then some children see in a lifetime. I'm so sorry your precious son isn't nestled safely in your arms. Life definitely isn't fair. Hugging you

  4. Yes, I understand all those subtle changes all too well. Akul was and is very much loved by his parents. Forever.

  5. How beautifully put and how full of your love your words are.
    I loved reading about the conversations that you and your husband before Akul was born. What loving parents.
    You are right, even a short life can have influence beyond measure and can change those who witness that life in many, many ways.
    Remembering your sweet son. xo

  6. What a beautiful post. Sometimes when I am feeling just so sad and hopeless, I don't feel very strong. But I remind myself almost daily that the fact that I continue to breathe is a testament of my strength. Until you have actually lost a child, I think it is difficult to comprehend just how much strength it takes to draw a breath when your child cannot.

    You are very, very strong, and you are a wonderful mother. Thinking of you and your husband and beautiful Akul this morning. xo

  7. Beautiful, thank you for sharing. This loss does change us, and many times in ways we don't see for quite awhile. Its times when I look back on this past year without E, this past 3.5 months without L that I realize how I've changed. How I view the world, how I view people around me.

    You are braver then you think and stronger then you think. Your son was more then lucky to have you as his mommy.


  8. The way you write of your hopes for your unborn child is so beautiful. And he was and is a miracle and I'm so glad you're sharing his too-brief life with us. (((hugs)))

  9. Such a beautiful post....I agree-he was and is a miracle.
    Thank you so, so much for sharing this with us.