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Saturday, October 3, 2009

Time Stands Still

Today I went to the hospital for an appointment. As I was entering the main door, I saw a proud dad standing, car seat in one hand and a boppy pillow in the other. Next to him was a nurse whose hands were full of new born things. My thoughts went running to the day I left the hospital, empty handed, defeated, old and tired. Ofcourse I cried as I entered the hospital. Then as I sat waiting for my turn to see the doctor, I saw a mother with a little baby in a car seat. The baby looked at me and smiled. She must be about the same age as what Akul would have been were he with me today. She had beautiful golden brown skin, laughing dark brown eyes and chubby cheeks. I was totally mesmerized. I could totally see my little son in her. The only difference was that she was a girl. I felt the distance I had walked from outside the hospital to the doctor's waiting room was the distance time had travelled from February 16th of this year to today. The only problem was that I had not moved. I am still standing outside the hospital empty handed and tearful, waiting for my ride home.


  1. It's amazing how far we've come and yet how easy it is to go right back to that place. xoxo

  2. Going back to the hospital where I had my girls is very difficult for me too. All the emotions and memories flood back to me. My doctor's office is located in the same building as the hospital and is just a few miles away from my house, so I pass by there often. It hurts everytime. I wish you were wiating in the office and had your sweet Akul with you. xx

  3. I'm so sorry, Nimoli. It is so painful when we see reminders of what happened to us and our babies.

    I've been thinking... I saw this site (stilllifewithcircles.blogspot) where the mom's are planning a lost baby mama retreat. I think we should plan a day where some of us girls can spend the day together. Maybe we just go do a picnic at the beach or something. It could the girls from group. And, maybe we could get Tina (Sophia and Ellie's) mom to come out too. Since, she only lives a few hours away. Let's plan it!

  4. This made me cry. I think I know how you feel. At times I feel that I have come so far, that all of this happened a long time ago, to someone else.
    At other times I feel as though time has stood still, that I haven't moved from the spot I was sitting in when my daughter died. Just one little thing and I can be flicked back there, in an instant.

    I'm so sorry that you had to go back to the hospital and that Akul is not in your arms. xo

  5. I have had those days. It does feel like time has stood still & some days they feel so far away.

  6. So well put. I'm so sorry that you weren't cradling Akul in your arms as you walked by that father and then sat by the beautiful dark-eyed baby girl. (((hugs)))

  7. Beautiful. I don't like going back to my hospital either because its where I spent so much time trying to keep my babies inside, growing healthy, big and strong. Yet after E was born I walked out, with only my husband by my side. A special handmade bag that contained everything that belonged to E, a teddy bear to hold since I didn't have my baby. With L, since he was born in a different hospital 2 hours away, I can luckily avoind it. I'm sure I could ever step foot in that hospital, as everything would come flooding back. The stay, the NICU, being wheeled out with a wooden box that contained L's things. Again, no baby. I was that woman who got the stares of pitty because they knew, I was that woman who looked at happy fathers with their carseats and cried.

    I'm sorry Akul isn't in your arms, where he should be.


  8. This made me cry, too.
    How time is so vindictive, I am not sure.
    That picture-daddy with the car seat-I've seen it too, and it's the cruelest.
    Beautiful post.
    I am so sorry. So sorry.

  9. I too have to pass the hospital where Lukas was born. I pass it everyday I go to work. I can see it from the train. We take the same route we took to the hospital to go see my parents. Sometimes I cringe because I remember those exciting and fearful moments. I wish I could be taking the routes all over again with different results.

  10. Time is a cruel thing. I still feel this way as well, like Im the only one stuck in this time loop of pain and greif while everyone moves on all around me. Yet I rejoice because everyday that passes is one more day closer to my reuion with Bryston. *Hugs*

  11. Nimoli - as promised, I'm posting to your blog so you can find me. I enjoyed seeing you at group tonight. What a sad circumstance but a comforting way to be with people at this point in our lives.
    I enjoyed your poems tonight. So heartfelt and true for you both. I just cried my heart out for you. I wish I could meet Akul - he is so precious. A gorgeous baby.
    When you read my blog, you'll see the posting for the "Buona Sera Supper Club" - that was what Bree and I were talking about tonight...I hope you'll consider joining us...