Fall In Love With More Free Templates! Click Here To Get Your Own Smitten Blog Design... »

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Living without him

I have not posted in such a long time. There is a cloud of silence that has decended upon me, but my heart is still heavy and I continue to think of Akul so many many times each day. Things have happened in the last few months that made me think,"I will blog about this", but then I didn't.

Sunil and I drove to Vancouver around the end of March. It was our first attempt at doing something "fun". We were standing in front of the space needle in Seattle, when I saw many school kids line up for their visit to the science center and then I saw us - two very sad adults without a child. We walked around the area and both of us were quiet. I was silently praying that I get my baby back. I never pray for another baby because I always want the same baby back- I just do not want any other. There is a fountain in the back of this building and many kids were squealing around it. Gluttons for punishment, Sunil and I walked around the fountain and suddenly I stopped. I saw the most perfect rainbow formed by the spray of water and the rays of the sun. Ofcourse I teared up.

We are moving. We just bought a house in another part of San Diego county and I carried Akul's boxes to that house - his clothes, his stuffed toys, his bath tub, his bottles, bibs, rattles. I carried everything but my baby. The house has no meaning for me. It gives both of us no pleasure. I wish I could carry my squealing screaming Akul into that house and hear his laughter ring from every corner of it. He alone could make this house a home. We miss you so very very much Akul..XO XO


  1. I am so sad that you are feeling sad. Everywhere we go and everything we do, we will always be reminded of our babies in one way or another.. this is our life now sadly.
    I hope that 'in time' it will be alittle easier to get on with dady to day things and changes.
    Although Akul is not a part of the new house, he is in every way as you are taking him with you in your heart and your mind..
    Thinking of you,
    Angel's Mummy xxx

  2. My heart aches for you. I wish I could bring Akul back to you. xxoo

  3. Beautiful rainbow. I always hope that rainbows are signs of good things to come.

    But I wish so much that your handsome Akul was with you in person instead of a memory in your heart.


  4. "I never pray for another baby because I always want the same baby back- I just do not want any other."

    I am so with you on this. Sometimes I think that another baby would be nice but all of the time I crave my son.

    I'm so sorry that moving into your new house is just another sad reminder that Akul is not with you. Reminders are everywhere aren't they?


  5. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry. I will pray for your comfort and strength. May blessings find you in your new home. You are always in my thoughts.

  6. I wish that there was something that I could say that would ease your pain. I am sorry that you feel so sad.

  7. My heart aches for your aching heart. I wish Akul was with you in your new home and the rainbow you saw has brought tears to my eyes. xo

  8. The rainbow is so, so beautiful.
    I just wish, like everyone else, that I could somehow bring Akul to you. It makes me ache for you-I think of you so often.

  9. Oh Nimoli I wish I had known you were going to Vancouver, I would have loved to have driven down and met you for an afternoon, spent time with you in the city where my own son was born and died. I ache for you after reading this post, and I wish Akul were there in your arms in your new house. Sending you my love...

  10. I was thinking of you so I stopped over. I understand the break from the blog, I did the same months back for awhile...at the time it was too much with all the pregnancy announcements.

    I too wish you could hear the pitter patter of Akul's feet through your house. My heart breaks for you. Sending you love.

  11. I'm glad you got away a little. I know it doesn't help, but it's just another way of living without Akul. Things you must do in moving forward. I'm so sorry he is not here with you. It is amazing to me that a new baby does not in any way replace one you have lost. Akul will never be replaced. Unfortunately, you could have 10 babies and still miss Akul just as much. I think of you... and I know February is coming up all too fast...

  12. Hi Nimoli,
    It's been so long since you posted but I just want you to know we're thinking of you so much this month. I know Akul's 2nd birthday is coming up. I really can't believe it's been that long. I imagine you running around with a toddler and I'm so sad he's not here with you.