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Sunday, April 4, 2010

babies babies everywhere...but not a single one for me

There has been a baby epidemic around me. Everyone is having them. Even people who do not want them are having them. Even people who do not need them are having them. Even people who cannot afford them are having them. The sick, the tired, the old - all are having babies...but I am not. I have not felt like this ever before. I have not felt this anger and sadness that wrenches the heart just because someone else is having a baby. I hate myself for feeling what I feel. I know I should be happy for them all, and I have even tried to deny these feelings of anger and sadness. But I know they are there.

Iwas so overwhelmed with the blog world that I took a break from it and then the babies followed me into real life. There are pregnant people all around me. I discuss someone's pregnancy or the birth of someone's baby each day ...and I think of Akul all the time. I see little kids and wonder if Akul would be doing what they are doing at this time. You know he would have been a year old. You know he would be walking, running and driving me crazy by now. You know if I had not experienced this loss, I would be like any other mom complaining about how my child takes up all my time but actually living a life. Now I sit here and complain about other people having kids...and I live an incomplete life.

19 comments:

  1. Oh, Nimoli. I'm so sorry. Even being pregnant, I struggle with the announcements in real life, too. I feel anger and resentment that people can get pregnant and bring their babies home effortlessly. I think these feelings are so normal for what we have endured. Please don't hate yourself for feeling this way. You are a wonderful woman and mother. Hugs.

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  2. I hear you, I find myself feeling the same. xx

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  3. Im can relate to this completly. I feel this jelously and anger alot and I try to deny it also but I guess its all just a part of dealing with this loss. You're not alone in your feelings and no please do not hate yourself for feeling these things. Its hard not tohave them after what we've been through. I've been wondering where you've been and praying for you. *HUGS*

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  4. It is all just so hard. Thinking of you and sweet Akul! xo

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  5. Thinking about you always. ((HUGS))

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  6. I've been thinking about you a lot lately-wondering if you weren't around b/c you needed a break. I am so sorry that this is all so hard-and I just want you to know that I think of you and Akul all the time and send wishes for you.
    Hugs, giant hugs!

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  7. I've been back here a couple of days and noticed you had not posted but thought it was because you needed a break too. My dear, greif has no timetable. Your anger should not have come at a certain time. It has reared it's ugly green head and it is OK to welcome it in. It too will go away when it is time. You are allowed to feel this way.

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  8. Oh Nimoli, you know I feel exactly the same. I feel that I should be happy for these people that they are having healthy living babies. Yet I can't do it. I can't be happy. Instead I'm angry and sad and envious. It's awful isn't it. xxx

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  9. Oh my dear. It's so hard. I struggle with feeling jealous and bitter and I really have very little right to compared to so many of the ladies here. It makes me hate myself too.

    I just wish it could have been 'normal' for you and Akul, for me and my girls, for all of us here and all our babies. That we could have had the easy pregnancies, happy births and beautiful, living children that seem to come so easily to so many other people. Please don't hate yourself for feeling this way. xo

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  10. I am thinking of you Nimoli. It's not fair, that's for sure. The pain will never go away and the thoughts of Akul will always be there. We are lucky to have blog world to at least have "someone" to talk to - because as we all know, we can't talk to anyone in the "normal" world about these feelings.
    Sending you hugs - and thinking of Akul running around and driving you nuts... in your dream world.

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  11. It. is hard when people seem to do it effortlessly and without any worry. Oh to be naive again...

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  12. it really is so hard.. I have a ton of people that just simply do not need babies at this point having them too..and resentment I think is normal on our parts.. I see toddlers all around me and am angry/sad/hurt that Ella is not amongst them.. I am sorry to read you are having such a hard time :( hugs

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  13. Hello Akul's mummy... please send me your email addy, i have something for you honey

    Angel's Mummy xx

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  14. Nimoli. I hear your pain and it is my pain too :( I hope you can one day have another baby and tell them all about their big brother Akul.
    Love to you & your family

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  15. i'm so sorry - the last thing you should have to deal with. i know how you feel. today, shopping in target: extreme resentment of and evil body language toward mother with baby in cart who was blocking my aisle. i don't want to feel this way either. love to you. may you find some peace in your days. xo

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  16. i feel like you wrote a post of my thoughts. babies seem to be following me everywhere, it is so hard not to feel bitter that they come seemingly easily for everyone but me. I know what you mean about living an incomplete life. Ugh, it is so unfair.
    Thinking of you.
    xx

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  17. You are a beautiful Mother. ((HUGS))

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  18. Ah, I know this feeling. I sometimes hear myself restraining my anger through the "OMG I'm pregnant" announcements. (((((hugs))))

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  19. I'm so sorry you don't have Akul at your knees right now and so sad that you don't yet have a younger brother or sister for him on the way. It's not fair and I feel anger and jealousy and sorrow when I'm surrounded by babies and I have my older children. My heart aches for you and the other mothers who have angel babies and no living siblings for them. Sending you love. (((Hugs)))

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