When we first lost Akul, I desperately searched for an answer to my questions "Why?" "How?" and "Where did he go?" I did what I always do to find answers - I started using the web and its search engines. All I found was poems written by other baby lost moms. I wrote them all and re wrote them all and read them over and over again. I have no idea why. But there was this one poem written by a mom a year after she lost her child. At that time I wondered how would I live a whole year without my child - but I did. It has been almost a year. The date is looming over our heads like a mushroom cloud. And today, once again, this poems surfaces.
I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had come, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today
--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident.
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How I can relate to this poem Nimoli. As a mother who lost her child over a year ago, I can honestly say that I don't forsee a day where it will ever become something I'm okay with. I will forever miss Calvin, just as you will forever miss Akul. It has become part of me, this missing, this empty sorrow and I am learning to live with it. But for as much as I learn to live without my son, I will never stop missing him. Our pain is the price we pay for the love we have for our children and as long as I live, I will always love my son so there will always be pain. Thanks for sharing...Hugs
ReplyDeletethank you for posting. i can't move on without my baby.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful poem. I can so relate to her words. Hoping your days are being kind to you. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteWow. That poem really describes my feelings perfectly. I'm glad you posted. I sent you a message earlier. I've been wondering how you're doing. Thinking of you, Sunil, and Akul. Hopefully I'll see you Wednesday.
ReplyDeleteI lost my children nearly 4 years ago, nearly 2 years ago and only 5 months ago. Everything in that poem is true. Everything. ((hugs)) Nimoli.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes still wait to wake from this dream.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful poem Nimoli, and so appropriate.
Hugs
xxx
beautiful poem.. almost 2 years, and another child later- it still resonates with me.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing it
I hope the days are kind as Akul's birthday arrives
It's so painfully true, this poem. I sometimes find myself surprised when I think about how long it has been since she died. Coming up to eighteen months. But it still feels like yesterday. And, from time to time, it stills hurt as though it was only yesterday.
ReplyDeleteRemembering Akul and holding you and Sunil in my heart over the coming weeks. xo
Wow, what a poem. Thank you for sharing it. Coming up on a year too.
ReplyDeleteThis poem captures so much of how I feel. **tears**
ReplyDeletexo
thank you for posting this. just tonight i have been feeling so much, and being over a year out from losing her, i feel like no one understands. like there is something wrong with me for not moving on. thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeletei am keeping you in my prayers as this tough year mark approaches.
Wanted you to know you are heavy on my heart this month. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteAs it has just been a year without Lukas, I find this poem very appropriate. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI hope your days a gentle.
Wow...what a beautiful poem. Thinking of you...hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you sharing, its beautiful. Thinking of you lately, you've been very quiet. Lots of *hugs*
ReplyDeleteso, so painfully true
ReplyDeletehugs
Hi, Thank you for stopping over. I haven't been anywhere. I blog almost daily on my other blog.
ReplyDeleteFor Your Tears is a place for people to come when they are in need of a handkerchief. I don't often have much to say other then how to contact me. I just changed it up for February. This ministry to going very well. (wish is sad because of the reason) I send out about 5-10 handkerchiefs each week. Thank you for stopping over. Take care and God Bless.
Netta Wilson passed away Sept. 02, 2011 at 7:30am ..I love you mom..you will be missed but never forgotten..Im happy for u that u will see ur beloved daughter again,Cara...You will always be in our heart and thoughts.. Your poems will remain forever and help more people.RIP mom we love you.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was written by my great aunt Netta. She was my grandmother´s little sister. I knew her daughter Cara. Cara was a wonderful person. I cried a lot when she died. My heart broke.
ReplyDeleteNetta passed away not too long ago. She is buried next to her daughter.