Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2010
I have been silent for really long. We spent a lot of time away from home during the last month and it helped. It helped to be away and spend time with happy people. And now we are back. Back to our old life, our silent home, the TV that talks incessantly and the electronic picture frame that lights up the living room with pictures of our dying son. We are back to facing our crushed dreams and mood swings. And I am back to baby lost blog world. The year has changed. It is no longer the beautiful 2009 that gave me my baby boy to hold and behold, and it is not the hateful 2009 that stole my child from me. I watched the ball go down in time square and I watch the world squeal in delight welcoming 2010. I looked and wondered why there was so much excitement. 2010 did not change my life in any way. My husband still looks tearfully at pictures of our lost child and we still parent a picture that sits in a crystal frame. My arms are still empty and Akul's baby things are still locked away in the closet. I am still sitting here talking to you - my baby loss mom friends and my eyes are still moist with your tears and mine. Nothing has changed. It still feels like 2009.
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I'm glad that you had time away that helped and I'm sorry that you came back to the same place.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is so full of optimism and change at new year, as if one day rolling into another will bring some magical newness to the world. The trick is to keep that newness and optimism each time the day changes. I'll let you know if I ever manage that feat!
But having said that, I hope that 2010 will be a good year for you and Sunil. I hope each days passing will bring a little more peace to your hearts.
Hugs
xxx
I couldn't agree more. It's so sad to leave the year, the only year we had with our babies. However, I hope 2010 is kind to you, to us. I've been thinking a lot as I know Akul's birthday is coming up. Maybe we should get together to make some cupcakes. xxoo
ReplyDeleteYes, just another year without our boys.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you were able to get away for a little bit- sounds like you were 'happy'
Isn't it so bittersweet to look at those pictures all over our homes?
I too feel that way. Just because it's suddenly 2010, doesn't change anything. Nothing has changed for me. Except that I'm getting older and more people are forgetting about my children.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're back Nimoli. Come and talk to us often.
I am glad that you had time away. And I know what you mean about 2009. I was torn between feeling relived and sad to see it pass. 2009 will always be bittersweet for me. *HUGS*
ReplyDelete2010 means nothing, but I am happy to be done with 2009. 2009 (and 2008) were the worst years of my life. They held beautiful moments, and amazing memories but I love 2 of my loves, 2 of my baby boys. 2010 is a new year, I like to think of it as a fresh start. It doens't erase the past, it doesn't change the fact that my heart hurts beyond words. But I can only hope that 2010 holds great things, for all of us. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteGosh, sometimes I just want to get away for a little bit. I'm glad that you were able to but coming home all the visual reminders are there.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with that feeling.
ReplyDeletehugs
I've missed you. I have nothing to offer to make you feel better.. it's all just too sad :(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Your words are so true and so deep with sadness. My heart is heavy with your sorrow. I will continue to pray for your comfort and strength. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, there was no clean slate with the new year. Same grief, different day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying that you find moments of reprieve.
I'm glad you and your husband had time away and I totally relate to your perceptions of 2009 becoming 2010. Sigh. I'm so glad to have you back in blogland my friend! xo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I missed your call! We had a practice last night and our silly phone doesn't *show* if there's a message. I have to check and I don't always remember because, well, since our baby died and we moved I don't get that many calls!!!! I'll try to ring you in the days ahead. xo
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that I'm glad to read an update from you and I've been thinking of you and I feel the same way....the year switching doesn't feel so different at all.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I did miss you. I was praying that all was well with you. But I am not in a different place either. It's just another year.
ReplyDeleteGod bless u and sunil also akul's soul. please try to stay happy both of u if akul is watching u from heaven he will be sad, if u are not happy so please keep smiling from ur heart beacause akul lives there. after reading ur story me and wife decided to give name akul to our new born baby boy who is due on dec. 14 so please welcome akul back, and stay happy.god bless u and sunil.
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