Grief is lonely- Thanks for being there

Last weekend was so hard on us. It was the anniversary of a three day span of time within which our baby boy was born active and alive and then passed away limp and lifeless in our arms. We were devastated all over again. I kept telling myself and Sunil that there was nothing different about these days, that our baby is gone every day, that each day we miss the feel of his hands wrapped around our fingers and his skin sitting lightly on ours....but yet we went back in time and grieved just as we did right after we had lost him.

In the midst of this grief you did so many things that helped me and supported me. You left comments on my blog and facebook, you sent me things for Akul that made me feel he was remembered and loved by many.

Thanks to Birni who made this for Akul and sent it to us on that weekend...yes valentines day and Akuls birth and death anniversary fall around the same time.

Akul got other things for Valentines day too. This one is from Bree who emailed me throughout that weekend. I knew she was thinking about us all the time. Bree wrote messages on my FB and even called me on the 14th to ensure we were doing OK. As you all know Bree is in our support group too and she was there with flowers for Akul when we had a little cake cutting ceremony for him during the first week of Feb. Then again on his death anniversary Bree lit a candle for Akul and sent me the following picture.
Thank you so very much Bree. You have a very special place in my heart.


My wonderful colleague and friend Tracy remembered Akul's birthday too. She sent us a beautiful flower arrangement tied with a big red bow. On it was a card with balloons that said "Happy Birthday Akul. We miss you very much." Tracy and I were pregnant at the same time. I with Akul and she with Annalise. Our colleagues gave us a joint baby shower and to this day I have not been able to go and see Annalise ( I do see her pictures and know she is absolutely beautiful). Tracy understands and always asks me about Akul just like I ask her about Annalise. Tracy, you are amazing. I am so lucky to have you as my friend.


And then my brother came to California on an official trip. He came to our house on Feb 14th, Valentines day - a day he should spend with his wife. However, my sister in law and my brother decided that he should be with us on that day because it was the time we would need someone. He stayed with us till 17th morning, going to work intermittently. He drove almost 70 miles to his place of work, but still stayed with us. I thank both my brother and my sister-in- law for this. Having him here with us, definitely helped us get through these three days.


I read my blog and your comments, I read your comments on facebook, I read your emails and saw all the things you made for Akul and I was supported in my grief. Thank you so very very much.

Akul would have been ONE today

Walking and talking and calling me mom...snatching things and bawling and giving sloppy kisses and lovely lovely hugss...My baby would have been ONE today. Today, on his first birthday, I will share with you all, my fellow baby lost moms, a poem I wrote when I first lost my Akul. Every word is penned with the ink of a thousand tears.

AN ANGEL CAME TO LIVE WITH ME

An angel came to live with me
He made my womb his home
My fluids were his silken sheet
my flesh his mattress foam

He brought me gifts
from other lands
gifts precious and rare
milk to my breasts
glow to my skin
a heart with baby cares

An angel came to live with me
He was my gift divine
He had short limbs and tiny wings
he was my heady wine

He made me want
to hold him tight
made me want a son
he made me crave
and yearn to be
his very ordinary mom

He flew away to fairy lands
in the short blink of an eye
while I welcomed him into this world
he quietly waved goodbye.

Akul, my darling, I so wish you had not waved us goodbye. Your dad and mom miss you like they have missed no other and their life is so incomplete without you. Every time I blog I call to you and say "Aajaa Akul." XO XO XO XO XO

Support from my support group

Our support group (Empty Cradles) meets the first wednesday of every month. So we walked into our support group meeting last night and I was surprised to see a flower vase with Akul's name on it, a bunch of beautiful flowers, and a cake. My wonderful support group remembered Akul's big day was coming (FEB 13th) and they brought us little tokens to honor our son. I just want to talk about this one moment in time - the cake cutting ceremony. We stood in a semi circle around the carrot cake, holding hands and our friends softly sang "Happy birthday to you..." and we all cried. Every eye teared as I cut Akul's cake. Then we all reached for the clean-x and Virunya walked to the cake and said softly,"We all miss you Akul" - "we do" I chimed in. That moment was mystical - I felt so connected to these people who have lost their babies and who come together to grieve once a month. Bree (of http:// butterflybaby15.blogspot.com), my wonderful friend, drove down with flowers. Bree has stopped working because she is pregnant (most of you probably know her story), but she still came to support us. A couple, lost baby parents who we met through our support group, drove over 60 miles to be with us on this day - just to honor Akul. I wish I did not belong to this club of lost baby parents- actually I wish not one of us did, but I do, and I am so thankful that the people I have found in this club are people like you - my wonderful wonderful support group. This was a beautiful way to honor my angel son. We do not plan to cut a cake on Akul's birthday, so this will be the only cake Akul will have on his first birthday. Thank you so very much for giving us this memory.