Living without him

I have not posted in such a long time. There is a cloud of silence that has decended upon me, but my heart is still heavy and I continue to think of Akul so many many times each day. Things have happened in the last few months that made me think,"I will blog about this", but then I didn't.



Sunil and I drove to Vancouver around the end of March. It was our first attempt at doing something "fun". We were standing in front of the space needle in Seattle, when I saw many school kids line up for their visit to the science center and then I saw us - two very sad adults without a child. We walked around the area and both of us were quiet. I was silently praying that I get my baby back. I never pray for another baby because I always want the same baby back- I just do not want any other. There is a fountain in the back of this building and many kids were squealing around it. Gluttons for punishment, Sunil and I walked around the fountain and suddenly I stopped. I saw the most perfect rainbow formed by the spray of water and the rays of the sun. Ofcourse I teared up.

We are moving. We just bought a house in another part of San Diego county and I carried Akul's boxes to that house - his clothes, his stuffed toys, his bath tub, his bottles, bibs, rattles. I carried everything but my baby. The house has no meaning for me. It gives both of us no pleasure. I wish I could carry my squealing screaming Akul into that house and hear his laughter ring from every corner of it. He alone could make this house a home. We miss you so very very much Akul..XO XO