Living without him

I have not posted in such a long time. There is a cloud of silence that has decended upon me, but my heart is still heavy and I continue to think of Akul so many many times each day. Things have happened in the last few months that made me think,"I will blog about this", but then I didn't.



Sunil and I drove to Vancouver around the end of March. It was our first attempt at doing something "fun". We were standing in front of the space needle in Seattle, when I saw many school kids line up for their visit to the science center and then I saw us - two very sad adults without a child. We walked around the area and both of us were quiet. I was silently praying that I get my baby back. I never pray for another baby because I always want the same baby back- I just do not want any other. There is a fountain in the back of this building and many kids were squealing around it. Gluttons for punishment, Sunil and I walked around the fountain and suddenly I stopped. I saw the most perfect rainbow formed by the spray of water and the rays of the sun. Ofcourse I teared up.

We are moving. We just bought a house in another part of San Diego county and I carried Akul's boxes to that house - his clothes, his stuffed toys, his bath tub, his bottles, bibs, rattles. I carried everything but my baby. The house has no meaning for me. It gives both of us no pleasure. I wish I could carry my squealing screaming Akul into that house and hear his laughter ring from every corner of it. He alone could make this house a home. We miss you so very very much Akul..XO XO

babies babies everywhere...but not a single one for me

There has been a baby epidemic around me. Everyone is having them. Even people who do not want them are having them. Even people who do not need them are having them. Even people who cannot afford them are having them. The sick, the tired, the old - all are having babies...but I am not. I have not felt like this ever before. I have not felt this anger and sadness that wrenches the heart just because someone else is having a baby. I hate myself for feeling what I feel. I know I should be happy for them all, and I have even tried to deny these feelings of anger and sadness. But I know they are there.

Iwas so overwhelmed with the blog world that I took a break from it and then the babies followed me into real life. There are pregnant people all around me. I discuss someone's pregnancy or the birth of someone's baby each day ...and I think of Akul all the time. I see little kids and wonder if Akul would be doing what they are doing at this time. You know he would have been a year old. You know he would be walking, running and driving me crazy by now. You know if I had not experienced this loss, I would be like any other mom complaining about how my child takes up all my time but actually living a life. Now I sit here and complain about other people having kids...and I live an incomplete life.

Grief is lonely- Thanks for being there

Last weekend was so hard on us. It was the anniversary of a three day span of time within which our baby boy was born active and alive and then passed away limp and lifeless in our arms. We were devastated all over again. I kept telling myself and Sunil that there was nothing different about these days, that our baby is gone every day, that each day we miss the feel of his hands wrapped around our fingers and his skin sitting lightly on ours....but yet we went back in time and grieved just as we did right after we had lost him.

In the midst of this grief you did so many things that helped me and supported me. You left comments on my blog and facebook, you sent me things for Akul that made me feel he was remembered and loved by many.

Thanks to Birni who made this for Akul and sent it to us on that weekend...yes valentines day and Akuls birth and death anniversary fall around the same time.

Akul got other things for Valentines day too. This one is from Bree who emailed me throughout that weekend. I knew she was thinking about us all the time. Bree wrote messages on my FB and even called me on the 14th to ensure we were doing OK. As you all know Bree is in our support group too and she was there with flowers for Akul when we had a little cake cutting ceremony for him during the first week of Feb. Then again on his death anniversary Bree lit a candle for Akul and sent me the following picture.
Thank you so very much Bree. You have a very special place in my heart.


My wonderful colleague and friend Tracy remembered Akul's birthday too. She sent us a beautiful flower arrangement tied with a big red bow. On it was a card with balloons that said "Happy Birthday Akul. We miss you very much." Tracy and I were pregnant at the same time. I with Akul and she with Annalise. Our colleagues gave us a joint baby shower and to this day I have not been able to go and see Annalise ( I do see her pictures and know she is absolutely beautiful). Tracy understands and always asks me about Akul just like I ask her about Annalise. Tracy, you are amazing. I am so lucky to have you as my friend.


And then my brother came to California on an official trip. He came to our house on Feb 14th, Valentines day - a day he should spend with his wife. However, my sister in law and my brother decided that he should be with us on that day because it was the time we would need someone. He stayed with us till 17th morning, going to work intermittently. He drove almost 70 miles to his place of work, but still stayed with us. I thank both my brother and my sister-in- law for this. Having him here with us, definitely helped us get through these three days.


I read my blog and your comments, I read your comments on facebook, I read your emails and saw all the things you made for Akul and I was supported in my grief. Thank you so very very much.

Akul would have been ONE today

Walking and talking and calling me mom...snatching things and bawling and giving sloppy kisses and lovely lovely hugss...My baby would have been ONE today. Today, on his first birthday, I will share with you all, my fellow baby lost moms, a poem I wrote when I first lost my Akul. Every word is penned with the ink of a thousand tears.

AN ANGEL CAME TO LIVE WITH ME

An angel came to live with me
He made my womb his home
My fluids were his silken sheet
my flesh his mattress foam

He brought me gifts
from other lands
gifts precious and rare
milk to my breasts
glow to my skin
a heart with baby cares

An angel came to live with me
He was my gift divine
He had short limbs and tiny wings
he was my heady wine

He made me want
to hold him tight
made me want a son
he made me crave
and yearn to be
his very ordinary mom

He flew away to fairy lands
in the short blink of an eye
while I welcomed him into this world
he quietly waved goodbye.

Akul, my darling, I so wish you had not waved us goodbye. Your dad and mom miss you like they have missed no other and their life is so incomplete without you. Every time I blog I call to you and say "Aajaa Akul." XO XO XO XO XO

Support from my support group

Our support group (Empty Cradles) meets the first wednesday of every month. So we walked into our support group meeting last night and I was surprised to see a flower vase with Akul's name on it, a bunch of beautiful flowers, and a cake. My wonderful support group remembered Akul's big day was coming (FEB 13th) and they brought us little tokens to honor our son. I just want to talk about this one moment in time - the cake cutting ceremony. We stood in a semi circle around the carrot cake, holding hands and our friends softly sang "Happy birthday to you..." and we all cried. Every eye teared as I cut Akul's cake. Then we all reached for the clean-x and Virunya walked to the cake and said softly,"We all miss you Akul" - "we do" I chimed in. That moment was mystical - I felt so connected to these people who have lost their babies and who come together to grieve once a month. Bree (of http:// butterflybaby15.blogspot.com), my wonderful friend, drove down with flowers. Bree has stopped working because she is pregnant (most of you probably know her story), but she still came to support us. A couple, lost baby parents who we met through our support group, drove over 60 miles to be with us on this day - just to honor Akul. I wish I did not belong to this club of lost baby parents- actually I wish not one of us did, but I do, and I am so thankful that the people I have found in this club are people like you - my wonderful wonderful support group. This was a beautiful way to honor my angel son. We do not plan to cut a cake on Akul's birthday, so this will be the only cake Akul will have on his first birthday. Thank you so very much for giving us this memory.

Still singing the same old song

When we first lost Akul, I desperately searched for an answer to my questions "Why?" "How?" and "Where did he go?" I did what I always do to find answers - I started using the web and its search engines. All I found was poems written by other baby lost moms. I wrote them all and re wrote them all and read them over and over again. I have no idea why. But there was this one poem written by a mom a year after she lost her child. At that time I wondered how would I live a whole year without my child - but I did. It has been almost a year. The date is looming over our heads like a mushroom cloud. And today, once again, this poems surfaces.

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had come, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today
--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident.

2010

I have been silent for really long. We spent a lot of time away from home during the last month and it helped. It helped to be away and spend time with happy people. And now we are back. Back to our old life, our silent home, the TV that talks incessantly and the electronic picture frame that lights up the living room with pictures of our dying son. We are back to facing our crushed dreams and mood swings. And I am back to baby lost blog world. The year has changed. It is no longer the beautiful 2009 that gave me my baby boy to hold and behold, and it is not the hateful 2009 that stole my child from me. I watched the ball go down in time square and I watch the world squeal in delight welcoming 2010. I looked and wondered why there was so much excitement. 2010 did not change my life in any way. My husband still looks tearfully at pictures of our lost child and we still parent a picture that sits in a crystal frame. My arms are still empty and Akul's baby things are still locked away in the closet. I am still sitting here talking to you - my baby loss mom friends and my eyes are still moist with your tears and mine. Nothing has changed. It still feels like 2009.

The Best Present

Last year this time I was seven months pregnant and my colleagues threw a baby shower for Tracy and me. Tracy, my wonderful colleague and friend, was 8 months pregnant and we were both so excited about our babies. Since my colleagues are English teachers, one of the games we played was to write poems, stories or songs for the two babies using words from a list. I saved everything that was written for Akul because I wanted him to read what was written for him some day. I wanted him to experience the love I was experiencing in that gathering that evening. Tracy wrote this beautiful poem for Akul and what better place to put it other than in Akul's "space" and what better time to do it than christmas.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PRESENT
IS NOT BENEATH YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
THE PRECIOUS WONDERFUL GIFT
IS LOCKED WHERE NONE CAN SEE
IN THE DARK
THE KICKS SHOW THE SPARK
OF LIFE EMBRACED ENTHUSIASTICALLY
THE LAST MINUTE ADS IN TV VIEW
PROCRASTINATORS ADMIRE AND OOH
BUT NONE COMPARE TO THE LIFE WITHIN
WHICH FORMS AND GROWS - IT IS IN FACT HIM
FROGGIE CLOTHES
AND TINY TOES
DREAMY EYES SING
OF WHAT HIS LIFE WILL BRING

I hope this christmas brings you all peace and joy. Hugging all our beautiful angel babies and their wonderful loving moms.

A Big Thank you to Barbara

I got a packet in the mail - it contained something I had been waiting for. A month or so ago, Barbara from Burble (http://barbaraboucher.blogspot.com/ ) had this giveaway and I was lucky enough to win a pendant. I opened the packet excitedly ..and there in a small blue box was this very clean and beautifully made pendant with AKUL's name perfectly inscribed on it. On the other side was Akul's date of birth. I kept it on a table at night but when I woke up in the morning, I remembered. So at 7 am I went looking for my silver chain, went to Sunil and asked him to clasp it around my neck. I ran my fingers over Akul's name and cried. I wish I could feel Akul close to me - his fingers against my skin where this pendant rests now. Barbara thank you so very much for giving me this beautiful gift. I treasure it. It has brought me a deep joy that words cannot express. I run my fingers over Akul's name and date of birth so many times each day. I cannot imagine going through my day without this any more. This tiny pendant has become extremely important to me and it helps me scream to the world - I am a mom. I have a son. His name is Akul.

Today Akul would have been 10 months old. Barbara, I bet you he would not have let me wear any chain. He would have probably pulled at it every time I held him in my arms. But he is not in my arms and all I have is this beautiful pendant you made me. This pendant binds all four us in a strange way - beautiful angel baby George and you and angel baby Akul and me. Thank you Barbara for such a beautiful gift. This is my most treasured piece of jewellery.

She was there again

That lost baby mom with compassionate tears in her eyes, her arms stretched out to hug another grieving mom - there she was.
A face I have been seeing all semester, chubby cheeks, bright shiny eyes and smiling lips. She sat in the fourth row and always smiled happily at me. She never showed a care... till today... she asked me, "Do you have any kids?' I have anticipated this question ever since I went back to teaching, but was asked this for the first time today and that too in front of a group of 12-13 students. "My baby boy passed away this year." Silence... and a muffled murmur "sorry" and then those glances from others there asking, "why do you have to ask such questions?" But you know what..I am glad you asked..I am glad you got to know the pain I carry in my heart when I smile for the two and half hours that I teach you and when I smile as you tell me you cannot come to class because your child is sick..and when I read your writing which is mostly about your child....I changed the subject..picked up my books and back to business.
Then during break she came to me her eyes filled with compassion, her hand reaching out to touch me...she came really close and whispered "I understand...you know I lost three of them...one in Mexico and two in the US." She reached out and held my hand. "Do you have any kids now?" I asked. She shook her head, "No, I have been married 13 years but have no child." She told me about her plans to do an IVF because she is now over 35. She said she has the courage to try again because her husband looks at every child with such love and longing...I sighed "Just like my husband." I told her I had no strength to try again ...I am no longer that young..another loss would kill me...she smiled her sweet sweet smile and said "We will both have our babies ... my mother in law had her baby when she was 48 years old..it is possible." She gave me a tight hug and said "happy thanksgiving...remember we will both have our babies."

My Love/Hate relationship with Friday the 13th

It was in February of this year when Friday the 13th became such an important "thing" in my life. I remember going to my OB on the February 10th. After we finished the testing Akul's heart beat, I was asked to go to the reception to make my next appointment. We had the option of coming in again on Friday the 13th and I shuddered. I do not know why, but I did not want to go in on Friday the 13th. Then on Friday the 13th, I felt my baby was not moving as much. I decided to go in and get his heart beat checked - and he was delivered through a c-section. My beautiful baby boy - wide eyed and rosy - pure as a budding white rose... He came to me wrapped in a hospital blanket and all I saw were his wide round eyes - open in amazement. Drugged and worried about my tiny 3 and half pound active little baby, I asked the nurse to take him and ensure he was OK. I thought I had a lifetime to hold him. Little did I know...But it was on Friday the 13th that I saw my little boy for the first time. Yet every time Friday the thirteenth comes around I am reminded of what I have lost instead of what I got.

Today Akul is 9 months old. He would be crawling around the house and jabbering inchoerently. According to literature this is the time he would have "parting anxiety" and would not want me to leave him. I wonder if I would be able to continue teaching if he got anxious every time I left the house. I don't know. But I sure wish I was given a chance to know.

We Are Everyhwere

Ever since I lost Akul, I find lost baby moms everyhwere. They are students in my classrooms, they are my colleagues, they are mothers of my friends, they come to my support group, they write blogs, they treat patients, clean houses, work in grocery stores...
This weekend I went for a haircut after 7 months or more of supporting an unpruned crop of speedily depleting hair. A young woman, with a decorative flower pinned into her short hair, cut my hair. She looked about 6 + months pregnant and I could feel her belly against my arm as she shampooed and dried my hair. So we got talking and I told her about my loss because we were talking about what she thought was my thick hair growth and actually I have lost so much hair after I lost Akul. She then told me about the lady who was styling hair in the booth next to ours. She told me this girl had just had a miscarriage. I looked at her. She looked beautiful - very nicly put together, her hair piled on top of her head in a 60's style film satrrish way, a beautiful sparkly yellow flower tucked in her dark hair, every feature on her pretty faced enhanced by makeup... a picture of a normal happy young lady who had not a care in this world. But I knew she had suffered a miscarriage. And then my hair dresser told her about my loss. The connection was made. She sat down in a chair next to me and just looked at me. I told her I was so sorry for her loss and she teared up. She told me how she had had 3 miscarriages and how she has one child but losing three has been very hard on her and her relationship with her boyfriend. I told her how hard losing Akul has been on us. How it has changed our relationship forever ...and the tears began to flow. I forgot someone was cutting my hair and she forgot where she was. We were just two lost baby moms who were sitting there crying ...two strangers who felt closer than sisters in that moment. For a few minutes we were oblivious to everyone. And then her boss came and gave her a hug, her coworkers got us hands full of tissue and we were shaken out of our temporary respite from the world around us. We wiped our tears, blew our noses, hugged each other and parted.

The number 13

The number 13 now holds a special place in our lives. Akul was born on February 13 and the date is entrenched in our hearts. I have blogged in the past about Akul's visitations... I talked about American idol selecting 13 finalists and the 13th finalist being an Indian. I talked about Akul visiting me in my dreams, but I never told you that Sunil, a numbers person, has been encountering the number 13 in the strangest of places. So many times, he looks at the clock and it is at the precise moment when it is 13 minutes after the hour. He showed me scenes from movies where the number 13 was written on buildings. I have always dismissed this as coincidence. I always nod to make Sunil happy but in my heart I think we notice the number because it has special significance for us. But today I felt the power of "13". My husband has been on the lookout for a restaurant for quite some time now. Today we went to the mall where he is interested in renting a space. He had invited a friend who has worked in the food industry for years, to get a second opinion. This friend told us that one way to check the place out would be to use a counter to see how many people actually eat in that food court. He handed the counter to Sunil. Sunil took one look at the counter, blinked, looked at me and said "look at the number here." I looked at the counter and a 13 looked me straight in the eye.

Collage: Yes I did it myself. I am no expert, but I love him very much.

This Time Last Year

This time last year I was happily pregnant, convinced my lifa was about to change forever. I was in the second trimester of my pregnancy and was filled with happy hormones. Sunil was so full of joy and excitement. We exercised regularly and I was in excellent physical shape. I went for walks every morning and then on the weekends I spent a couple hours doing water aerobics or just floating and dancing around a heated pool. This was my special time with Akul. The pool was usually empty and I coud sing to my baby. I sang all the nursery rhymes I remembered in hindi and English. One day when I was singing "hush little baby, don't say a word...papa's going to buy you a diamond ring..." Sunil joined us. He told me he would not buy his son any "rings." He said his son will not want any jewellery...if it was a girl it would be different. So I rewrote the nursery rhyme.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
mama's going to buy you a singing bird
If your singing bird won't sing
Dad's going to buy you a basketball ring
If the basketball ring is too high
Dad's going to buy you a rocket that flies
If that rocket were to ever break down
You will still be the cutest little baby in town.

When they got Akul off the life support and put him in my arms, I sang this to him. It is his poem, but he barely got to hear it. My baby never got the chance to grow up. To me he will always be the cutest little baby in town.

Festival of Lights

Today is Deepawali or Diwali. It is the hindu (Indian) festival of lights. Mythology tells us the story of one of the hindu gods, Rama, who triumphed over the evil Ravana and returned home on this day. He had been away from his family and his kingdom for 14 years. On his return, the people were very happy and to show their happiness they lit oil lamps all around their homes. This evening, most hindus will light candles or lamps outside their sparkling spring-cleaned homes and invite God into their homes. And what will Sunil and I do? We don't know. The light has gone out of our lives. It went away the day we were told that our son had a brain bleed and that we have to "let him go." When our son breathed his last breath, we were engulfed in a dark blackness and that darkness is here to stay. The only candles we light are candles lit in remembrance of our lost baby.

Eight Months of Empty Cradles

Akul would be 8 months old today.

After we lost our son, we got a memory box to take home with us from the hospital. This was created by a support group called "Empty Cradles." We lost Akul on Feb 16 and the first wednesday in March we went for our first "Empty Cradles" meeting. I still remember that was one meeting for which no one had showed up when we reached there. The coordinator was there and she had a candle buring in one corner, a coffee pot with freshly brewed coffee, a few stuffed brown baby bears sitting on one table and some literature about this organisation. She also provided the group with a box of tissues. Sunil and I went there but we were unable to tell our story. The group leader or coordinator talked to us about her own loss and then a few more people walked in and started sharing the stories of their losses. I just sat there and cried. I was so numb and my husband was so angry. By the end of the evening we were able to tell the few people who were there our story. It was a disjointed jumbled version of what happened and I knew that many did not even understand what we were saying. But they all sat patiently listening and shedding tears. This was our only outing during the first few months of our loss. The one place we could go and vent. So we did. We went month after month till everyone heard Akul's story and they all started talking about "Akul" and not "your baby."

This month our meeting was very special. October meetings are memorial meetings. The Empty cradles website reads,
"This is one of the most important and moving meetings of the year…a time to remember, reflect and connect with your beloved baby(ies). We’d like to invite you to share with others at the meeting the various ways that you have memorialized your baby(ies). Perhaps you have a memory album, pictures, a poem, a quilt, a box, special mementos or some other cherished items that helps you to remember and keep your baby’s spirit alive. Please bring any memorial items that you would like to share to the October meeting and join us for our candle lighting memorial."

We went and sat in a circle. We had the option of reading poems from a book they provided us, or reading something we wrote ourselves for our babies. I read something I had written for Akul. It was really hard to read it but I was honoring my son. I had to do it. I also took Akul's baby boy album and a little diary I write which is entitled "Letters to My Son." We were given cards and we had to write messages for our babies which were read as we lit candles for them. After lighting a candle we were asked to pick up a rose from the bunch of roses arranged in a vase and return to the table with our rose. I chose a white rose because I associate Akul with white roses. We had a little break from teh ceremonies and during this time we were able to share our babies pictures and items we had brought with us.

This month I also decided to start volunteering and went for the "Empty Cradles" volunteer meeting. I think about Akul every day, almost all the time. However my time at my support group meeting is always special and it is something for me to look forward to. We smile, talk and reach out for the box of tissues that occupies a very important place in our monthly meeting. If you can spare a minute, visit their website. The section on internet resources has helped me in the past.

http://www.emptycradle.org/

Time Stands Still

Today I went to the hospital for an appointment. As I was entering the main door, I saw a proud dad standing, car seat in one hand and a boppy pillow in the other. Next to him was a nurse whose hands were full of new born things. My thoughts went running to the day I left the hospital, empty handed, defeated, old and tired. Ofcourse I cried as I entered the hospital. Then as I sat waiting for my turn to see the doctor, I saw a mother with a little baby in a car seat. The baby looked at me and smiled. She must be about the same age as what Akul would have been were he with me today. She had beautiful golden brown skin, laughing dark brown eyes and chubby cheeks. I was totally mesmerized. I could totally see my little son in her. The only difference was that she was a girl. I felt the distance I had walked from outside the hospital to the doctor's waiting room was the distance time had travelled from February 16th of this year to today. The only problem was that I had not moved. I am still standing outside the hospital empty handed and tearful, waiting for my ride home.

Touched by an Angel

"A life is not measured by the number of days, months or years that it is lived, but by the effect that life has on other people who touch it.It is not measured by the length of its days or the height of its achievements, but by the breadth of its influence."

I read this on another angel baby mom's website. I reflected. If I measure the length of Akul's life on the basis of this, my beautiful Akul has definitely lived a very very long life in the eight month he spent in my womb and the three days he spent in our arms. Before I had Akul, I did not know what the love of a child was - The love of a child who is silently growing in a mother's womb. During pregnancy, I could feel his butterfly kisses purify my insides. His soft fluttering kicks made me bloom with joy. I was radiant with love and my eyes softly mirrored my motherhood. I loved having Akul with me. He changed me completely. I was totally oblivious to the outside world. It was as if everything lost its importance and he became the focus of my life. I ate oranges because he liked them, I had frozen vanilla flavored yoghurt because that is what Akul wanted, I listened to the kind of music that made him kick in joy, and I fought with Sunil because he did not talk to his son enough. I argued that Akul would not recognise his voice when he came out of my womb. We planned Akul's entire life and fought over everything. Sunil said he wanted Akul to be a doctor and I said that my son would have the freedom to decide what he wanted to be. Sunil and I went for morning walks and we argued all the way home. I used to tell my husband that his son is going to be his carbon copy - stubborn and bull headed just like him. I warned him that the two of them would get into big fights. Sunil always asked whose side I would take if that happened and I would say that I will walk out and let the two of them handle their disagreements. So before we even had Akul, we were playing make believe and pretending he was here with us, that he was a baby and we were teaching him things and then he was a teen and was getting into big fights with dad....and Sunil always said "you will make him a mama's boy."

Then, on February 13 this year, Akul came into my arms. I looked at his beautiful round eyes and finely boned face in awe. He was so beautiful and so perfect. I started believeing in miracles. I could not even imagine something so amazing being formed within me. I became a mom. I saw my husband go crazy with joy. He just stood there and called just about anyone and proudly told the world about his gorgeous son. Akul made us so proud and ecstatically happy.

And on February 13th he was put into my arms again. Just taken off life support he did not have much life left in him. I held my life close to my heart. I could not believe my own strength - both physical and mental. How can a woman who has had surgery a day before hold a baby all day and all night? How can a mother live after her baby passes away in her own arms? I did both. I guess I am very very strong and this strength of mine is my cross to bear during this life time. I am strong so I live - hopeless but functioning.

After Akul I have changed in subtle ways. My heart is softer and my words kinder. Nothing is important enough to warrant my attention for a prolonged period of time and I value every child. I feel each child is such a miracle. I remember many months ago, when I was pregnant with Akul, I had asked my students what was the most dangerous thing they had ever done. My Japanese student told me the most dangerous thing he had ever done was to be born. I laughed as did the rest of the class. Akul's life and death have taught me that that is indeed the most dangerous thing a fragile little child can ever do. So I value all babies. Also, as we journey this childless road, my husband and I have become more spiritual and have made God an important part of our lives.

Akul has changed the two people who love him unconditionally. Even though he spent such little time with us, his life has impacted us like no other. He has put himself in a place where he will never be punished or reprimanded by his parents. Our parenting will only be one of loving him and weeping for him every day of our lives.

Friendships

Christy, at "almost a mother" and Kristy at "I love you to the moon and back", nominated me for an award! It is the Friendship Award! Thank you for thinking of me!

Ok, so here are the rules:

"This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I want to pick each and every baby lost mom but I cannot. Some of you have already been given this award and I know eventually you will all get it because you are the best support group anyone could wish for. The six people I pick for this award are:

Mirne @ http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/2009/09/raw-pain.html
Beth @ http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/2009/09/biltmore.html
Ezra's mom @ http://ezramalik.blogspot.com/2009/09/22-weeks-6-days-staying-present-in-joy.html
bir @ http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com/2009/09/candles-for-jet.html
Malory @ http://mommyofanangel09.blogspot.com/2009/09/mothers-love-does-not-forget.html
Karen @ http://busyhandsbc.blogspot.com/

I know that Mirne is taking a break from the world of blogs. I also see that her blog is not accessible any more. But I still want to give her this friendship award. When I fist started blogging I was a confused broken dead baby mom. Mirne always commented on all my posts and supported me. Her not being in the world of blogs does not change that, so she is included in this friendship award. Bree, I did think about you but you got the award from Nan.