Living without him

I have not posted in such a long time. There is a cloud of silence that has decended upon me, but my heart is still heavy and I continue to think of Akul so many many times each day. Things have happened in the last few months that made me think,"I will blog about this", but then I didn't.



Sunil and I drove to Vancouver around the end of March. It was our first attempt at doing something "fun". We were standing in front of the space needle in Seattle, when I saw many school kids line up for their visit to the science center and then I saw us - two very sad adults without a child. We walked around the area and both of us were quiet. I was silently praying that I get my baby back. I never pray for another baby because I always want the same baby back- I just do not want any other. There is a fountain in the back of this building and many kids were squealing around it. Gluttons for punishment, Sunil and I walked around the fountain and suddenly I stopped. I saw the most perfect rainbow formed by the spray of water and the rays of the sun. Ofcourse I teared up.

We are moving. We just bought a house in another part of San Diego county and I carried Akul's boxes to that house - his clothes, his stuffed toys, his bath tub, his bottles, bibs, rattles. I carried everything but my baby. The house has no meaning for me. It gives both of us no pleasure. I wish I could carry my squealing screaming Akul into that house and hear his laughter ring from every corner of it. He alone could make this house a home. We miss you so very very much Akul..XO XO

babies babies everywhere...but not a single one for me

There has been a baby epidemic around me. Everyone is having them. Even people who do not want them are having them. Even people who do not need them are having them. Even people who cannot afford them are having them. The sick, the tired, the old - all are having babies...but I am not. I have not felt like this ever before. I have not felt this anger and sadness that wrenches the heart just because someone else is having a baby. I hate myself for feeling what I feel. I know I should be happy for them all, and I have even tried to deny these feelings of anger and sadness. But I know they are there.

Iwas so overwhelmed with the blog world that I took a break from it and then the babies followed me into real life. There are pregnant people all around me. I discuss someone's pregnancy or the birth of someone's baby each day ...and I think of Akul all the time. I see little kids and wonder if Akul would be doing what they are doing at this time. You know he would have been a year old. You know he would be walking, running and driving me crazy by now. You know if I had not experienced this loss, I would be like any other mom complaining about how my child takes up all my time but actually living a life. Now I sit here and complain about other people having kids...and I live an incomplete life.

Grief is lonely- Thanks for being there

Last weekend was so hard on us. It was the anniversary of a three day span of time within which our baby boy was born active and alive and then passed away limp and lifeless in our arms. We were devastated all over again. I kept telling myself and Sunil that there was nothing different about these days, that our baby is gone every day, that each day we miss the feel of his hands wrapped around our fingers and his skin sitting lightly on ours....but yet we went back in time and grieved just as we did right after we had lost him.

In the midst of this grief you did so many things that helped me and supported me. You left comments on my blog and facebook, you sent me things for Akul that made me feel he was remembered and loved by many.

Thanks to Birni who made this for Akul and sent it to us on that weekend...yes valentines day and Akuls birth and death anniversary fall around the same time.

Akul got other things for Valentines day too. This one is from Bree who emailed me throughout that weekend. I knew she was thinking about us all the time. Bree wrote messages on my FB and even called me on the 14th to ensure we were doing OK. As you all know Bree is in our support group too and she was there with flowers for Akul when we had a little cake cutting ceremony for him during the first week of Feb. Then again on his death anniversary Bree lit a candle for Akul and sent me the following picture.
Thank you so very much Bree. You have a very special place in my heart.


My wonderful colleague and friend Tracy remembered Akul's birthday too. She sent us a beautiful flower arrangement tied with a big red bow. On it was a card with balloons that said "Happy Birthday Akul. We miss you very much." Tracy and I were pregnant at the same time. I with Akul and she with Annalise. Our colleagues gave us a joint baby shower and to this day I have not been able to go and see Annalise ( I do see her pictures and know she is absolutely beautiful). Tracy understands and always asks me about Akul just like I ask her about Annalise. Tracy, you are amazing. I am so lucky to have you as my friend.


And then my brother came to California on an official trip. He came to our house on Feb 14th, Valentines day - a day he should spend with his wife. However, my sister in law and my brother decided that he should be with us on that day because it was the time we would need someone. He stayed with us till 17th morning, going to work intermittently. He drove almost 70 miles to his place of work, but still stayed with us. I thank both my brother and my sister-in- law for this. Having him here with us, definitely helped us get through these three days.


I read my blog and your comments, I read your comments on facebook, I read your emails and saw all the things you made for Akul and I was supported in my grief. Thank you so very very much.

Akul would have been ONE today

Walking and talking and calling me mom...snatching things and bawling and giving sloppy kisses and lovely lovely hugss...My baby would have been ONE today. Today, on his first birthday, I will share with you all, my fellow baby lost moms, a poem I wrote when I first lost my Akul. Every word is penned with the ink of a thousand tears.

AN ANGEL CAME TO LIVE WITH ME

An angel came to live with me
He made my womb his home
My fluids were his silken sheet
my flesh his mattress foam

He brought me gifts
from other lands
gifts precious and rare
milk to my breasts
glow to my skin
a heart with baby cares

An angel came to live with me
He was my gift divine
He had short limbs and tiny wings
he was my heady wine

He made me want
to hold him tight
made me want a son
he made me crave
and yearn to be
his very ordinary mom

He flew away to fairy lands
in the short blink of an eye
while I welcomed him into this world
he quietly waved goodbye.

Akul, my darling, I so wish you had not waved us goodbye. Your dad and mom miss you like they have missed no other and their life is so incomplete without you. Every time I blog I call to you and say "Aajaa Akul." XO XO XO XO XO

Support from my support group

Our support group (Empty Cradles) meets the first wednesday of every month. So we walked into our support group meeting last night and I was surprised to see a flower vase with Akul's name on it, a bunch of beautiful flowers, and a cake. My wonderful support group remembered Akul's big day was coming (FEB 13th) and they brought us little tokens to honor our son. I just want to talk about this one moment in time - the cake cutting ceremony. We stood in a semi circle around the carrot cake, holding hands and our friends softly sang "Happy birthday to you..." and we all cried. Every eye teared as I cut Akul's cake. Then we all reached for the clean-x and Virunya walked to the cake and said softly,"We all miss you Akul" - "we do" I chimed in. That moment was mystical - I felt so connected to these people who have lost their babies and who come together to grieve once a month. Bree (of http:// butterflybaby15.blogspot.com), my wonderful friend, drove down with flowers. Bree has stopped working because she is pregnant (most of you probably know her story), but she still came to support us. A couple, lost baby parents who we met through our support group, drove over 60 miles to be with us on this day - just to honor Akul. I wish I did not belong to this club of lost baby parents- actually I wish not one of us did, but I do, and I am so thankful that the people I have found in this club are people like you - my wonderful wonderful support group. This was a beautiful way to honor my angel son. We do not plan to cut a cake on Akul's birthday, so this will be the only cake Akul will have on his first birthday. Thank you so very much for giving us this memory.

Still singing the same old song

When we first lost Akul, I desperately searched for an answer to my questions "Why?" "How?" and "Where did he go?" I did what I always do to find answers - I started using the web and its search engines. All I found was poems written by other baby lost moms. I wrote them all and re wrote them all and read them over and over again. I have no idea why. But there was this one poem written by a mom a year after she lost her child. At that time I wondered how would I live a whole year without my child - but I did. It has been almost a year. The date is looming over our heads like a mushroom cloud. And today, once again, this poems surfaces.

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away
Some still call and some still stay
I wait to wake up from this dream
This can't be real, I want to scream
Yet everything is locked inside
God, help me, I want to die
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had come, have gone
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside
And now my friends just question Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song
Good heavens, it has been so long
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me
The numbness it has disappeared
My eyes have now cried many tears
I see the look upon your face
"She must move on and leave this place"
Yet I am trapped right here in time
The song’s the same, as is the rhyme
I lost my child.........today
--Netta Wilson, written in memory of her daughter Caprice Cara Wilson, who was killed in an auto accident.

2010

I have been silent for really long. We spent a lot of time away from home during the last month and it helped. It helped to be away and spend time with happy people. And now we are back. Back to our old life, our silent home, the TV that talks incessantly and the electronic picture frame that lights up the living room with pictures of our dying son. We are back to facing our crushed dreams and mood swings. And I am back to baby lost blog world. The year has changed. It is no longer the beautiful 2009 that gave me my baby boy to hold and behold, and it is not the hateful 2009 that stole my child from me. I watched the ball go down in time square and I watch the world squeal in delight welcoming 2010. I looked and wondered why there was so much excitement. 2010 did not change my life in any way. My husband still looks tearfully at pictures of our lost child and we still parent a picture that sits in a crystal frame. My arms are still empty and Akul's baby things are still locked away in the closet. I am still sitting here talking to you - my baby loss mom friends and my eyes are still moist with your tears and mine. Nothing has changed. It still feels like 2009.